It's been a quiet day today..except for the thunder outside. I don't mind rain, I just don't like the freaky rain stuff.
As for me, I'm holding up the best I can. So is Matt. We've got the bills caught up for this month, so things are a little easier.
Whenever a decision needs to be made we work it out together. But it's still not the same without Mom here.
Nothing's the same without Mom here.
I went to Walmart on Wednesday and got the first two seasons of Burn Notice on DVD, Mom got me hooked into watching it, she'd found it when she was at the hospital on chemo.
Helps with the lonelies around here. Fun to watch and Jeffrey Donovan's beautiful (Jessie you know what I mean.).
My birthday's not going to be the same. I told Matt we can skip it, but he's like Don't talk like that!
Is it awful to buy yourself a birthday present? I got the MPFC megaset finally, so that's an upside.
I know I should be cleaning or something, but you ever have a day where you just don't want to do anything? Today's that kind of day.
People have asked me if I've gone back to work, and I say no. I just feel better being here, keeping the house going. Matt's at his job. We're okay money-wise,because he has his, and I have access to the main account at the bank, so I can pay the bills and the mortgage and such.
I changed my IM to Windows Live, (firstname.lastname@example.org), if anyone wants to add it you're more than welcome.
I've been trying to take care of things since my mother passed away, but it's hard. Money's not an issue, bills are not an issue, they're being taken care of. But..the fact that she's not here now..that's the hardest part. The silence around me in the house is DEFEANING. The loneliness...I keep the television or music on at all times, but it's not the same.
My brother and I are getting along, things are good between us.
But there's a part of me that died when my mother did, I have a hole inside my heart and inside my soul, a hole that can never be patched over. Little things will set me off, little things I see or hear that remind me of her, I fall apart.
My insides are similar to glass from a broken mirror that I'm trying to duct tape back together. I'll never stop missing her and I'll never stop loving her.
There are some distractions I have, like watching MJF in Spin City, or Keanu destroying sentinels or wishing I was Lady Jane Seymour to JRM's Henry the Eighth, but...you know?
I find myself wanting to tell her or show her things and I remember that I can't now. I can do it in my head, but it's NOT the same!
I vow to live my life to honor her, to be the daughter and the grownup she raised me to be. And I will be forever sorrowful for the times I've wronged her, and FOREVER angry at the doctors for not helping her, angry at my father and other so called family for turning their backs on her when she needed them.
And forever thankful that I could be there when she needed me. And I'll ALWAYS be there.
Christmas was really great this year, really kinda mellow, just Mom, my brother and me. She got one of the Wii video game players for all of us, and it's neat. They seemed to like what I got them for Christmas and I loved my stuff. :)
It's amazing it's a brand new year, and a brand new decade at that.
Things are changing again on the Mom front, the chemo she was taking isn't working now. She's now gotta go to Vanderbilt Hospital all the way in Nashville, to start treatment of this other new stuff, clinical trials they call it. The tumor markers shot way high up, which is not good, but her platelet counts which had been REALLY low are coming up too. Lots of platelets and white cells are good, right?
I'm scared and she's definitely scared, but I'm still hoping, you know? Maybe this stuff'll be it, maybe this will be the one that does the trick, you know? (sniffs) She's been through SO much already. There's no reason to stop now, there's no reason to give up now. I'm not giving up on her.
Not by a long shot.
That's the main stuff that's been going on, is family stuff.
I've had a bunch of guys write me on Myspace, including one that REALLY frightened me. I thought having a public account would be a good thing, 'cause I've got nothing to hide, you know? But now, I'm starting to worry. One guy even wrote and asked me what my intentions were.
Intentions? For my mom to live a long life and everyone I love to be happy. That's my intentions. For me to be happy, I want others to be happy too. I am optimistic, I am hopeful. It would be nice to get married but the world won't end if I don't. My life's still got some value, I'd think.
I hope y'all's holidays were great, Jessie, I hope you liked your card, Raven, thanks again for the banner.
I got this from Raven, and my outcome's funny because I HAVE an Egyptian tattoo. Egypt's just cool, I've always thought so.
With your love to the history and everything related to ancient times we recommend you an Egyptian tattoo design. The ancient Egyptian obsession with the afterlife is also quite intriguing, filled with magical amulets like the Ankh and the scarab. From Gods, Goddesses and pharaohs, to records made in fanciful hieroglyphics, there's so much about ancient times. The sheer richness of Egyptian society has never quite been laid to rest, because so much of modern society is rooted in it.
That's about how I've felt these past few days. WHEW! We've been trying to get things ready for Christmas for one thing.
Mom just finished her second round of the new chemo, and we found out her tumor markers went WAY high up, nobody knows why yet. Hopefully they've come down since she's started the medicine, hopefully they come WAY down. There's a possibility she may have to have radiation too. Anything that will help..PLEASE let it help, you know?
Oh! I was on the radio! There's a local(meaning Knoxville) station here that plays eighties music on Fridays, and they take requests. I called in for the Huey Lewis song from Back to the Future, and they recorded me! After they played the song, they have an ad for the station where it has clips from the first BTTF in it. So it all fit. :)
I know I don't post on here as often as I should, but I'm going to remedy that. I think 2010 is going to be a great year for everybody here, and everybody everywhere. Gotta have hope you know? I do, in all things, and I try to keep it even when I'm down in the dumps.
Jessie, in case I haven't told you, congrats on Steve, he sounds like a keeper. I'm sorry for not sending you the rest of that fic yet, but I'll get it wrapped up here REAL soon.
MK- Congrats on Nano. That's terrific:)
I'll do better on posting on everyone's LJs, even if it's just a :) you'll hear back from me in some fashion.
Raven, you've got a LJmail message from me, hopefully it went through.
Other than real life stuff, I've been writing. I've got a Beatles four-story saga going, that of yours Jess, plus a BTTF fic I'm working on. It's funny switching the mindset, going from two twentysomething English girls as the OFCs, to a fourteen year old American, when you're a thirtysomething like me. WEIRD. But fun. Especially an adventure when you're trying to avoid the Mary Sues.
Overall, I think things will be alright in the end. I really do. Hope things go great for you guys out there too.
I'm on Twitter if anyone wants to add me, the name's the same as you see here. Why change something that you know works, right? LOL. But anyone's welcome. Same as on here. The more friends, the better :)
I was in college and my professor had gotten a new computer, leaving me in charge to figure it out. I'd used computers in the past so that part wasn't new to me, but when I got on the Web, I was proud I figured it out on my own, didn't have to have any help. :)
Today was a interesting day, we went to Mom's doctor over in Knoxville. He restarted the new chemo she's on, something called Xeloda, which is a stronger version of one she's taken in the past, one that was proven to work. The other she'd been on stalled out, causing her chemo markers to jump from 12 (where they'd been not too long ago) to 45! Which is MAJORLY not good. She asked him would this new medicine keep the cancer at bay like the previous did, and he said no, it might just cure it. Which would ROCK! That's what I've been praying for, that's where my head and my heart's been at. Sometimes my prayers are more like mantras cause it's the same over and over and over, but God's been listening. I really believe that.
The guy we rode with up there was sweet, a little scattered but sweet. The other passenger however wasn't. She was RUDE. Didn't even speak to Mom and me. What Mom said was right, you're supposed to acknowledge people even if you don't talk to them the whole time, at least acknowledge the person exists. I try to do that in the store too, I'll smile at you, even if you don't return it, I'll still smile.
She's going to go get her tattoo tomorrow, the same bloke who did mine's doing it. He's taken three months to get around to the thing which is goofy, but I'm hoping it turns out cool.
While she's doing that, I'm going to the library, she wants me to try downloading tunes for her on her Mp3 player. Which I'll be glad to do, 'cause she's a rock and roll person like me, 'specially the cats who did Sweet Home Alabama. I wish I could find the song ZZ Top did for BTTF 3, I always liked that.I've got a BTSB song I'm listening to now. DON'T LAUGH.
The MJF song I have is so sweet, its from Light of Day, one of his movies I've NOT seen yet. Sad I know. But that's the beauty of Walmart.com, I can get all the MJF and Keanu movies I want. Thanks to my handy-dandy gift card thingie.
I'm downloading a lot of tunes from the eighties, stuff I remember from when I was a kid many moons ago. Mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas and when I told her, she goes don't buy everything for yourself, let some of us other people do. I DO know I want either one of MJF's books. I would say Michael Palin, but I cheat by reading them at his website. It's all good though.
Thanks to everyone who's read my scribblings on here, I'm just a rookie writer, but I've love it ever since I was a kid, my first story was about werewolves.
Cheers to everyone out there's who's doing Nano, I wish I could.
Take care :)
Oh and whoever it was that made my Marty/Jennifer icon, you rock. I've always loved that his girlfriend in BTTF had my name.